The Four Horsemen: Four Communication Habits That Erode Relationships
- Stacey Alvarez
- 7 days ago
- 17 min read
Conflict is part of every relationship. But the way we handle conflict can either build trust or quietly break it down. Over decades of research, renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified four specific communication habits that are particularly damaging to relationships. They call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because when these four communication habits and patterns show up frequently and go unchecked, they tend to predict separation or deep relational dissatisfaction, and erode relationships.
These four behaviors don’t just appear during major fights — they often creep into daily conversations, slowly undermining the emotional safety and connection between partners. The first step to protecting your relationship is learning to spot these signs when they appear.
What makes the Four Horsemen especially dangerous is that they can become automatic — a kind of default mode for expressing frustration or unmet needs. Over time, they build walls instead of bridges. Even when love and commitment are still present, these habits can corrode trust and turn everyday moments into emotional minefields.
By understanding these patterns, you can begin to notice when your communication is heading into risky territory. You can pause, reflect, and choose a different path. While this post doesn’t explore how to fix these dynamics, simply naming what’s happening in the moment is a powerful first step toward change.
Where the Four Horsemen Come From: Gottman’s Research
The Four Horsemen weren’t invented as a metaphor—they were discovered through decades of rigorous research. Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship expert, conducted extensive studies on couples in what became known as the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. There, he and his team observed thousands of couples in real-time, analyzing how they spoke, fought, connected, and tried to repair.
Using video recordings, heart rate monitors, stress hormone measurements, and follow-up interviews, Gottman gathered a rich and detailed picture of how relationships function under stress. Over time, clear patterns began to emerge. He discovered that certain types of communication—particularly Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—were consistently present in relationships that eventually failed. These patterns weren’t just unpleasant—they were statistically predictive of divorce and relational breakdown, sometimes with over 90% accuracy.
Through this work, Gottman introduced the world to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships—not to scare us, but to help us recognize the signs of disconnection before they harden into disrepair.
Recognizing the Four Horsemen in Your Relationship
1. Criticism: Attacking the Person, Not the Problem
Criticism is often the entry point of the Four Horsemen. It shows up when frustration or disappointment gets expressed as a personal attack rather than a specific concern. Criticism sounds like pointing fingers, generalizing, or attacking your partner’s character. Instead of focusing on a behavior that bothered you, criticism targets your partner’s character, motives, or identity. It often begins with statements like “You always…” or “You never…” and shifts the focus from the issue at hand to what’s wrong with the other person. It sounds like:
“You always leave a mess—you’re so lazy.”
“You never listen to me. You’re just selfish.”
“Why do you have to be so inconsiderate all the time?"
Unlike a complaint, which focuses on a specific behavior, issue, or unmet need (“I feel frustrated when the dishes are left in the sink”), criticism tends to come from a place of blame or resentment and often includes words like “always,” “never,” or “you are.” Over time, it leads to defensiveness, resentment, shutdowns, and deep emotional distance. It becomes harder for the other person to feel safe, seen, or open to hearing feedback when they’re constantly being told what’s wrong with them.
Criticism doesn’t just express a problem—it assigns blame. And in a relationship, blame tends to shut down connection rather than build understanding.
2. Contempt: When Disrespect Turns Toxic
Contempt is the most corrosive and most destructive of the Four Horsemen. It goes beyond criticism by not just pointing out flaws, but doing so with a tone of superiority, disgust, or mockery. It involves sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling. Contempt communicates that one partner sees the other as beneath them—stupid, weak, lazy, or unworthy. It’s laced with name-calling, sneering, or biting humor meant to belittle. Contempt conveys disgust — not just disagreement — and communicates that one partner sees the other as beneath them.
Examples of contempt might sound like:
“Oh, please. You can’t even manage that simple task.”
[Rolls eyes] “Why am I not surprised you forgot—again.”
“You’re so pathetic when you get like this.”
This kind of communication doesn't just hurt — it humiliates. It erodes respect and emotional safety, and over time, it breeds bitterness and disconnection. It’s often built up over time through unresolved resentment, and it’s a clear signal that the relationship’s emotional foundation is under threat. Gottman’s research found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, largely because it signals a deep level of disdain and an absence of goodwill.
Contempt doesn’t just signal a conflict—it signals that the underlying bond of respect and care is breaking down.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a natural response that often shows up as a way to protect yourself when you feel attacked, but it often escalates conflict rather than resolving it. It can look like making excuses, turning the blame back on your partner, or refusing to admit any responsibility. While it may feel like self-protection in the moment, defensiveness usually makes your partner feel unheard, invalidated, or blamed.
It might sound like:
“That’s not my fault—you never told me you needed help.”
“I only acted that way because you were being unreasonable.”
“You’re always criticizing me. Can’t you ever see what you do wrong?”
Defensiveness often pairs with criticism in a cycle: one person criticizes, the other defends, and nothing gets resolved. When both partners are stuck in defensive postures, they stop listening and start fighting for their own innocence. This makes true repair almost impossible and can leave both people feeling more distant than before.
When defensiveness is a regular part of how partners communicate, issues never get addressed directly. Instead, the conversation becomes a ping-pong match of blame, leaving both people unheard and frustrated.
Defensiveness doesn’t mean you’re a bad partner—it usually means you’re feeling overwhelmed, misunderstood, or under threat. But unchecked, it blocks the empathy and accountability that healthy relationships rely on.
4. Stonewalling : Shutting Down to Stay Safe
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws emotionally or physically from the conversation or interaction, often during conflict. It’s the silent treatment, the blank stare, the “I’m done with this” energy that signals emotional shut-down. This might look like shutting down, going silent, or leaving the room without explanation. While it can look cold or uncaring on the outside, stonewalling is often a response to feeling flooded—overwhelmed, hopeless, or emotionally unsafe.
Stonewalling can sound like:
Silence, avoidance, or walking away mid-conversation
“Whatever.”
“I’m not doing this.”
A stiff, closed-off posture that says, I’m not here anymore.
When someone stonewalls, they’re no longer engaging or listening—they’ve checked out. And while taking space to calm down can be healthy, persistent stonewalling creates distance, isolation, and disconnection. The partner on the receiving end often feels rejected, ignored, or abandoned.
Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling abandoned, rejected, or like their concerns don’t matter. It erodes communication and leaves conflicts unresolved. It signals that the emotional load of the relationship has become too much—and instead of working through it, one person has chosen to shut the door. Over time, it signals a breakdown in emotional availability and connection.
Naming the Patterns Is the First Step
Recognizing the Four Horsemen when they show up in your relationship is a powerful first step toward healing. Naming these patterns is important because it brings awareness to how communication dynamics affect your connection. So often, these behaviors unfold automatically—often without either partner even realizing how damaging they’ve become. But when you can label them as they happen, you create an opportunity to pause, reflect, and decide if you want to keep repeating the same cycle.
The key to breaking the pattern is not to shame or criticize yourself or your partner, but simply to acknowledge what’s happening in the moment. Are you criticizing? Are you dismissing? Are you stonewalling? When you identify these behaviors, you begin to see them as choices rather than inevitable responses to conflict.
By naming the Four Horsemen, you can start to shift how you respond to each other. It’s a moment of conscious awareness—allowing both partners to make intentional decisions about how to communicate moving forward. The more you practice noticing these patterns, the easier it becomes to choose different, healthier ways to navigate conflict.
Seeing these behaviors in yourself or your partner doesn’t mean your relationship is beyond repair. But it does mean something important: the way you’re handling conflict may be creating more distance than resolution. Recognizing these patterns without judgment is the beginning of choosing something different — something healthier, more respectful, and more connected.
You can’t shift what you don’t name. And naming these horsemen, gently and honestly, is where the real work begins.
Identifying When You Engage in the Four Horsemen and How to Counteract Them
Recognizing when you engage in the Four Horsemen is the first step in breaking free from their destructive cycle. While it can be easy to spot them in your partner’s behavior, it’s just as important to check in with yourself to see if you’re contributing to the problem. Here’s how to identify each Horseman and what you can do to counteract them:
1. Criticism: The First Red Flag
How to identify it: Are you attacking your partner's character instead of focusing on a specific behavior or issue? If you find yourself saying things like “You always…” or “You never…,” that’s a clue you might be slipping into criticism. This tends to shift the blame onto your partner, making them feel like they are the problem.
Antidote: Instead of criticizing, express your feelings and needs with a “I” statement. For example, “I feel frustrated when the dishes are left out because I prefer a tidy kitchen.” This helps keep the conversation focused on your experience and not your partner’s character.
2. Contempt: When Disrespect Takes Over
How to identify it: Contempt is much more damaging than criticism. Are you belittling, mocking, or using sarcasm to express frustration? If your words or tone convey superiority or disgust, you may be engaging in contempt.
Antidote: The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect. Focus on acknowledging the things your partner does well, and express gratitude regularly. For example, “I really appreciate it when you help with the kids, it makes a big difference.”
3. Defensiveness: The Shield Against Criticism
How to identify it: Are you quickly shifting the blame, denying responsibility, or making excuses? When your partner raises a concern and your first instinct is to deflect rather than listen, you’re likely becoming defensive.
Antidote: To counteract defensiveness, focus on taking responsibility for your part in the situation. You can say, “I see how that would upset you, and I’m sorry for my role in that.” This shows your willingness to engage with the issue instead of deflecting it.
4. Stonewalling: Shutting Down Communication
How to identify it: Stonewalling happens when you emotionally or physically withdraw from the conversation. Do you find yourself zoning out, refusing to talk, or simply shutting down during conflict? When you “tune out” or walk away from discussions, you’re stonewalling.
Antidote: The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing and taking a break to calm down. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to say, “I need a few minutes to calm down so I can respond thoughtfully.” The key is to return to the conversation once you’ve had time to regain emotional balance.
Why Awareness Matters
The first step to breaking free from the Four Horsemen is to notice when you’re engaging in these behaviors. It requires vulnerability, self-awareness, and a willingness to change. When you can spot the patterns in real time, you have the ability to choose healthier, more constructive ways to address conflict.
By consciously practicing the antidotes, you’re shifting the dynamic from one of defensiveness, blame, and disconnection to one of respect, understanding, and connection. Over time, these small adjustments in how you communicate can transform the way you navigate conflict and deepen your relationship.
How to Respond When Your Partner Engages in the Four Horsemen
It can be challenging to stay grounded and calm when your partner engages in one of the Four Horsemen. However, how you respond plays a crucial role in either escalating the conflict or helping to de-escalate it. Here’s how to respond when you notice these behaviors in your partner:
1. When Your Partner Criticizes You
How to respond: If your partner is criticizing you, it’s important to not immediately defend yourself or counterattack. Instead, take a moment to assess the situation and to hear their underlying feelings or needs. Consider what’s underneath the criticism—is your partner frustrated, overwhelmed, or feeling unheard?
Responding with empathy: You might say something like, “I hear that you’re upset about [specific issue]. Can you help me understand more about why it’s bothering you so much?” This opens up a dialogue and allows your partner to feel heard, rather than escalating the tension.
Redirecting the focus: Another approach is to gently steer the conversation toward discussing the issue at hand, not your character. For instance, “I see that this is really important to you. Let’s talk about the situation and how we can both be on the same page moving forward.”
Acknowledge the underlying emotion: You might say, “I hear that you’re frustrated because I didn’t listen to you earlier. Let’s talk about it.” This shows you’re open to hearing their concern but helps shift the conversation from personal attacks to the issue at hand.
Reframe the criticism: Encourage your partner to focus on the specific issue instead of criticizing your character. For example, say, “I understand that you’re upset about the way I didn’t respond when you asked me for help. Let’s talk about how we can handle that in the future.”
Responding with curiosity and empathy can help create a safer space for both of you to express yourselves without escalating into blame.
2. When Your Partner Displays Contempt
How to respond: Contempt is one of the hardest behaviors to handle because it’s deeply hurtful and implies superiority and disrespect. This behavior often arises from built-up resentment, and when it’s directed at you, it can cause a lot of emotional damage. Responding with anger or contempt of your own only deepens the divide.
Stay calm and set boundaries: It’s crucial not to mirror your partner’s behavior. Instead, try to stay calm and assertively set a boundary. For example, you could say, “I can tell you’re really frustrated, but I can’t engage with you when you speak to me like that. I’d really like to have a calm conversation.” Or, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. I want to discuss this with kindness,” can help set a boundary without responding in kind. If you’re able to, gently point out the behavior, such as, “I hear you’re frustrated, but the tone you're using is making it hard for me to stay open to what you're saying.”
Pause and take a break: If things have become too heated, it might be helpful to take a short break. Say something like, “I think we need to step away for a few minutes to cool down. Let’s come back to this conversation when we’re both ready to talk respectfully.”
Stay focused on the issue, not the personal attack: Try to shift the conversation away from personal insults and into a space where both of you can communicate your needs. For example, say, “I understand you’re upset, but we need to focus on what’s bothering us, not attack each other’s character.”
By removing yourself from the disrespectful energy and offering a time to calm down, you’re showing your partner that you expect respectful communication and are willing to return to the conversation with a more constructive tone.
3. When Your Partner Gets Defensive
How to respond: Defensiveness occurs when your partner deflects blame, denies responsibility, or offers excuses instead of acknowledging their role in the issue. They may say things like, “It’s not my fault! You always do this!” or “I can’t believe you’re blaming me for this. You never listen to me!” When your partner gets defensive, they may feel threatened or misunderstood. This behavior often leads to a cycle of blame where neither party feels heard. Responding with more defensiveness will only exacerbate the issue.
Remain calm and don’t engage in blame: Resist the urge to point fingers or escalate the blame game. Instead, stay focused on finding a solution. For example, say, “I understand you feel like I’m blaming you, but that’s not my intention. I just want to understand your perspective on this issue.”
Acknowledge their feelings: Instead of fueling the defensiveness, try acknowledging their emotions and offering reassurance. You could say, “I can tell you’re feeling attacked right now, and that’s not what I intend. I just want to understand where you’re coming from.”
Rather than countering with more criticism or pushing your point, try to offer empathy. You can say something like, “I can see that this is really hard for you. I’m not trying to blame you. Let’s try to figure out what’s going on together.”
Express empathy: Sometimes, defensiveness stems from feeling misunderstood or attacked. Show that you hear their side. You could say, “I can see that you’re feeling attacked right now, and I don’t want that. Let’s try to talk about how we can both understand each other’s feelings.”
Express your own vulnerability: Share your own feelings in a non-blaming way. For instance, “When this issue comes up, I feel frustrated because I don’t feel understood. Can we talk about it calmly so we can both understand each other better?”
Invite collaboration: Rather than making it a “me versus you” situation, try to create a team dynamic. Say something like, “Let’s figure out a way to move forward together. How can we work together to prevent this from happening again?”
Encouraging your partner to share their feelings openly, without fear of being judged or blamed, can help them feel heard and reduce the defensiveness. By showing patience and giving your partner the time they need to regain composure, you prevent further escalation and encourage them to return to the conversation with a clearer mindset.
4. When Your Partner Stonewalls
How to respond: Stonewalling is often a sign that your partner is emotionally overwhelmed. Your partner may stop responding, give one-word answers, or leave the conversation altogether, refusing to engage. While it may feel like they are shutting you out, stonewalling typically happens because they are feeling flooded by the conversation and need a break.
Recognize the need for space: If your partner is stonewalling, it’s often a sign that they are feeling overwhelmed and need time to process. Let them know you understand and offer a break. “I can see that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let’s take a 15-minute break and come back to this when we’re both feeling more centered.”
Encourage them to return to the conversation: Once your partner has had a break, gently encourage them to re-engage. You can say, “I understand you needed time to calm down. I’d really like to finish our conversation when you’re ready.” It’s important to assure your partner that you’ll come back to the conversation. You can also suggest taking a few deep breaths together to reduce tension before re-engaging.
Avoid pressuring them: While it’s important to address issues, don’t pressure your partner to engage if they’re not ready. Instead, ensure they know you are open to continuing the conversation when they feel prepared to do so.
Reassure them: After the break, when your partner is ready to engage, reassure them that the conversation is important to you and that you’re there to work through it together. You can say, “I’m glad we had a break, and I really want to understand your perspective so we can move forward together.”
By showing patience and giving your partner the time they need to regain composure, you prevent further escalation and encourage them to return to the conversation with a clearer mindset.
Staying Calm and Constructive
When your partner engages in any of the Four Horsemen, it’s easy to get caught up in the emotional current and react impulsively. However, responding with patience, empathy, and respect helps create the space for a more productive dialogue and de-escalating the situation. The goal is to not mirror their negative behavior, but instead, to gently guide the conversation back toward a space of mutual understanding and connection. By staying mindful of the Four Horsemen and consciously choosing a response that prioritizes connection and understanding, you can create a constructive cycle instead of a destructive one.
It can be difficult to stay calm in the heat of the moment, but by practicing mindfulness and emotional self-regulation, you help create a healthier communication dynamic. The more you respond with care rather than defensiveness or escalation, the more likely your partner will start to mirror that same approach.
It’s not about perfection—it’s about showing up with the intention to communicate effectively, respect each other’s emotions, and move toward resolution, even in challenging moments. Over time, these intentional responses can shift the dynamics in your relationship and pave the way for healthier communication patterns. The goal is to create an environment of understanding where both partners feel heard and respected, even in the midst of conflict.
Remember, it’s not about winning the argument—it’s about creating connection, understanding, and a deeper sense of trust. By practicing mindfulness and emotional self-awareness, you can help navigate difficult conversations and foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
If you find yourself feeling stuck in these patterns, it can be incredibly helpful to seek couples therapy or relationship coaching, where a neutral third party can help facilitate productive conversations and provide tools to navigate conflicts more effectively.
Moving Toward Healthier Communication
The Four Horsemen can wreak havoc on relationships, but they don’t have to be the final word. By recognizing these destructive patterns and learning how to respond thoughtfully, you can break the cycle of negativity and foster a healthier, more respectful dynamic. It’s important to remember that change takes time. Just as it takes practice to recognize when you engage in the Four Horsemen, it takes time to shift how you respond to them in your partner.
By focusing on empathy, active listening, and taking responsibility for your own emotions, you can create an environment where both partners feel heard, respected, and valued. Relationships are a continuous process of learning and growing together. Even if the Four Horsemen show up, you now have the tools to combat them—both in yourself and in your partner.
Remember, healthy communication isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. With patience, commitment, and self-awareness, you and your partner can break free from these patterns and build a relationship rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Additional Resources for Deepening Your Relationship
If you’re looking to take the next step toward healthier communication and a stronger connection with your partner, here are some valuable resources:
1. Books
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This book offers practical advice and exercises based on Gottman’s research, helping couples foster love, respect, and communication.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
Focuses on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and offers guidance on how to strengthen emotional bonds and communication in relationships.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
This book provides a framework for using compassionate communication to create more harmonious relationships.
2. Therapy and Counseling
Couples Counseling: If you find that the Four Horsemen are showing up too frequently, seeking professional guidance can be incredibly beneficial. Couples therapy offers a neutral space where you can work through your communication challenges with the help of a trained therapist.
3. Online Resources and Courses
Gottman Institute: The Gottman Institute offers online courses and workshops designed to help couples improve their communication and emotional connection. Their "The Art and Science of Love" workshop is a great option for couples wanting to build a stronger bond.
The Couple’s Institute: Offering courses and workshops on improving communication, intimacy, and resolving conflict in relationships, The Couple's Institute is a fantastic resource for couples wanting to deepen their connection.
4. Mindfulness and Self-Regulation Practices
Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness helps you regulate your emotions and stay grounded during conflict. Apps like Headspace or Calm provide guided meditation and mindfulness exercises that can reduce stress and help you stay present with your partner.
Emotional Regulation Exercises: Learning how to regulate your emotions is key to not letting the Four Horsemen take over. Journaling, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can all help you stay calm when things get heated.
5. Workshops and Retreats
Many organizations offer relationship workshops and retreats that focus on communication, connection, and emotional intimacy. These immersive experiences allow you to take a deeper dive into strengthening your relationship.
Taking action to improve communication and break free from Gottman's Four Horsemen requires time, effort, and patience. With the right tools, resources, and mindset, couples can transform how they interact and create a deeper, more fulfilling connection. Remember, every relationship goes through challenges—but with the right approach, you can turn conflict into an opportunity for growth and understanding.
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