Abuse by Proxy: When Others Become the Abuser’s Messengers
- Stacey Alvarez
- Jul 21
- 31 min read
The Hidden Hand Behind the Harm
Sometimes, the most painful attacks don’t come directly from the abuser, but from people you trusted. It might be a family member who suddenly turns cold, a friend who pressures you to forgive, or a therapist, mediator, or school staff member who sides with someone you know is harming you. These moments can leave you not only hurt but disoriented. How did they not see it? Why are they defending the person who’s hurting me?
This kind of harm has a name: abuse by proxy. It refers to the tactics abusers use to manipulate or recruit others into participating in their campaign of control, whether those others realize it or not. Sometimes it’s intentional. Often, it’s subtle. It can look like someone passing along your private messages to the abuser, pressuring you to reconcile “for the sake of peace,” or painting you as unstable while insisting they’re “just concerned.” These secondary actors are often called flying monkeys, a metaphor borrowed from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch never got her hands dirty. She sent others to do her bidding.
What makes abuse by proxy so painful is not just the continuation of harm, it’s the confusion. The betrayal. The way it turns your support system against you. The way it creates doubt in your own reality. The abuser’s hands remain invisible while others carry out the punishment, making it harder to name what’s happening and easier for others to dismiss it as a misunderstanding, a conflict, or even your fault.
This form of abuse is strategic. It allows the abuser to extend control while avoiding accountability. It keeps you in a defensive position, constantly trying to explain yourself, defend your boundaries, and prove your version of events while others question, dismiss, or shame you for speaking up. And because those who are weaponized are often people you care about or once leaned on, the pain cuts deeper. You’re not just navigating abuse. You’re navigating the wreckage of trust.
Abuse by proxy isn’t just about mean-spirited gossip or miscommunication. It’s a sophisticated system of outsourced control, designed to destabilize and isolate the target while maintaining the abuser’s image. Whether you’ve experienced it through family triangulation, smear campaigns, institutional betrayal, or social manipulation, the result is the same: You’re left feeling surrounded, invalidated, and alone.
But naming it is a powerful step. Once you understand how and why this happens, you can begin to step out of the fog. You can protect your peace without having to convince people who don’t want to see. You can draw boundaries, even when others judge them. And most importantly, you can begin to reclaim your own voice after so many others were used to silence it.
What Is Abuse by Proxy?
Abuse by proxy is a sophisticated, covert form of manipulation in which an abuser uses other people as tools to extend their abuse. Rather than engaging in direct harm, they recruit or manipulate others—friends, family, professionals, even children—to do the work of intimidation, control, isolation, or discrediting on their behalf. It’s abuse at a distance, with layers of plausible deniability.
This tactic creates confusion, chaos, and emotional devastation. Survivors often find themselves defending against people they once trusted, unsure of how so many relationships suddenly feel unsafe.
Definition
Abuse by proxy refers to any situation in which a person enlists others, intentionally or manipulatively, to inflict emotional, psychological, legal, or social harm on a target. It can be direct (e.g., sending someone to confront the survivor), or indirect (e.g., spreading misinformation until others naturally turn against them).
What makes this form of abuse so damaging is that it:
Destabilizes the survivor’s reality
Complicates the survivor’s ability to trust others
Allows the abuser to appear innocent or even victimized
Widens the net of influence and control
This is especially common in post-separation abuse, family systems, high-conflict divorces, cult dynamics, workplace mobbing, and narcissistic abuse.
Common Examples of Abuse by Proxy
Recruiting Others to Confront, Pressure, or Guilt the Survivor
A parent tells a sibling, “You need to talk some sense into her; she’s tearing the family apart.”
A co-worker says, “I heard you were difficult in the meeting. What’s going on?”
Friends are subtly or overtly encouraged to “talk to them” or “convince them to calm down.”
Even when well-meaning, these confrontations are often based on manipulated information, not the survivor’s truth.
Spreading Rumors, Misinformation, or Character Smear
The abuser frames the survivor as unstable, toxic, abusive, alienating, dramatic, or mentally unwell.
They plant seeds: “I just don’t know what’s going on with them lately. I’m really worried.”
Over time, these comments change how others view the survivor, undermining their credibility, support, and reality.
This often leads to social isolation, erosion of professional relationships, or distrust from mutual friends.
Weaponizing Systems of Authority
The abuser makes false reports to Child Protective Services, police, therapists, court officials, or workplaces.
They may accuse the survivor of being abusive, unstable, unsafe, or negligent, knowing that even false allegations can trigger investigations or reputational harm.
This tactic exploits the slow, cautious nature of systems designed to protect people, delaying justice while inflicting damage.
Survivors may face:
Court hearings for fabricated claims
HR complaints or professional discipline
Custody evaluations based on lies
Even when survivors are cleared, the emotional, financial, and reputational toll is immense.
Using Children or Family Members as Pawns
Abusers may manipulate children into rejecting the other parent through subtle coaching or emotional pressure (“Your mom doesn’t love us anymore”).
They might encourage children or relatives to pass messages, guilt the survivor, or spy and report back.
In family systems, abusers may turn other relatives against the survivor, exploiting loyalty, shame, or cultural obligations.
This often forces the survivor into a no-win position: tolerate ongoing harm or risk being labeled as cold, bitter, or alienating.
Manipulating Mutual Friends or Community Members
In religious or spiritual communities, abusers may play the “righteous victim,” spinning the narrative to gain sympathy and isolate the survivor as “bitter” or “unforgiving.”
In social circles, they may tell half-truths that nudge others to take sides without understanding the full story.
They may exploit shared trauma or vulnerabilities to gain trust and position themselves as the wounded party.
Why Abusers Use Proxy Tactics
1. To Avoid Direct Accountability
By having others carry out their messaging or attacks, abusers can say:
“I didn’t tell them to do that.”
“I’m just trying to move on; they’re the one starting drama.”
This creates plausible deniability and makes it harder to trace the harm back to them.
2. To Maintain Control After Boundaries Are Set
If a survivor cuts contact, sets firm limits, or escapes the relationship, the abuser may lose direct access, but abuse by proxy allows them to maintain psychological presence. It keeps the survivor reactive, afraid, and off-balance, often without direct confrontation.
3. To Confuse and Gaslight the Survivor
When harm comes from people who used to feel safe—siblings, children, mutual friends—it’s deeply destabilizing. Survivors may question:
“Am I the problem?”
“Why are they siding with them?”
“Did I misread the entire situation?”
This confusion is not accidental; it is part of the abuser’s strategy to weaken the survivor’s sense of reality and support.
4. To Damage the Survivor’s Reputation or Relationships
By the time survivors speak up about abuse, their support system may already be poisoned. Friends and family may have been hearing a twisted narrative for months or years, which paints the survivor as:
Aggressive
Unstable
Vindictive
Untrustworthy
This reputational sabotage makes it even harder for the survivor to be believed, to rebuild community, or to access institutional protection.
5. To Look Like the Better Person
Abusers often maintain a public image of calm, kindness, or concern, especially in professional, spiritual, or family roles. They position themselves as the one who is “just trying to keep the peace” while the survivor is painted as angry, erratic, or unwell. This reversal of roles is deeply damaging to the survivor’s credibility and mental health.
Abuse by proxy is not just about conflict; it’s about covert control, image management, and social destabilization. It allows the abuser to inflict harm while keeping their hands clean. And it often hurts worse than direct abuse, because it violates the safety of relationships and communities the survivor once trusted.
Naming it clearly is the first step in reclaiming power.
Who Are Flying Monkeys?
The term “flying monkeys” may sound playful, but in the world of psychological abuse and manipulation, it describes something far more serious: people who become agents of the abuser, often without realizing it. These individuals may spread rumors, shame the survivor, deliver messages, pressure reconciliation, or even escalate conflict, all while believing they are doing the “right” thing.
The concept comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch commands flying monkeys to do her bidding. She rarely engages Dorothy directly. Instead, she sends others to harass, capture, and terrorize. Likewise, abusive individuals often enlist others, consciously or unconsciously, to carry out abuse by proxy, maintaining distance from the harm they cause.
What Does “Flying Monkey” Mean in Abuse Dynamics?
Flying monkeys are people who enable or enforce an abuser’s control over someone else.They may:
Defend the abuser
Minimize the harm done
Blame the survivor for “causing conflict”
Confront the survivor under the guise of “concern”
Repeat or reinforce the abuser’s narrative
Act as spies, messengers, or social saboteurs
Some are fully aware of what they’re doing. Others are emotionally manipulated or operating on partial truths, thinking they’re helping.
Why Are Flying Monkeys So Dangerous?
Survivors often describe being harmed more by people who sided with their abuser than by the abuser themselves. Flying monkeys can:
Reinforce self-doubt (“If everyone else believes them, maybe I’m wrong”)
Cause social isolation (“People don’t believe me; they think I’m the problem”)
Undermine safety and boundaries (“I can’t escape; they keep pulling me back in”)
They expand the abuser’s power while confusing the target about what’s real.
Types of Flying Monkeys
1. Unknowing Enablers
They don’t mean harm, but they carry the abuser’s message anyway.
They may say:
“They’re just worried about you.”
“You both have your issues.”
“I think you misunderstood them.”
These are often empathic people who’ve been manipulated with a selective story.
Example: A friend who urges you to reconcile, unaware they’re echoing the abuser’s narrative that you're the “cold one.”
2. Loyal Enforcers
These individuals feel a sense of duty, allegiance, or fear that binds them to the abuser.
Often found in family systems where hierarchy, loyalty, or secrecy are strong.
They may guilt you for speaking out:
“You’re tearing this family apart.”
“We all have to make sacrifices; why can’t you?”
Example: A sibling who pressures you to forgive your abusive parent “for the sake of the family.”
3. Mutual Acquaintances
People who remain connected to both the survivor and abuser can be easily drawn into toxic triangulation.
May relay your words back to the abuser (“I talked to them; here’s what they said…”)
Might drop “harmless” updates (“They’re really sad without you”) that reignite trauma bonds.
Example: A coworker who plays both sides, giving the abuser inside information about your boundaries or stress.
4. Institutional Proxies
These are professionals or authority figures who are manipulated into acting on the abuser’s behalf, often unknowingly.
Abusers may charm or present themselves as “the reasonable one.”
They use systems that value neutrality over context, such as family court, therapy, religious counseling, school systems.
Examples:
A judge who forces co-parenting despite documented abuse.
A therapist who urges “forgiveness” without accountability.
A pastor who tells you to “honor your parents,” even if they’re emotionally abusive.
Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?
Understanding their motivations doesn’t excuse the harm, but it can help clarify why these dynamics are so hard to untangle.
Loyalty
Especially in families, people often defend the abuser because they feel obligated by love, tradition, or fear of disruption.→ “They’ve always been there for me.”→ “They’re still my mom.”
Misplaced Empathy
They see the abuser as wounded, misunderstood, or unfairly treated.→ “They’ve been through so much.”→ “I’m worried they’ll spiral without you.”
Fear of the Abuser
Some flying monkeys are also being controlled or emotionally blackmailed.→ “If I don’t help them, they’ll turn on me.”→ “I just want to keep the peace.”
Desire to Maintain the Status Quo
They don’t want change. They want everything “back to normal,” even if that “normal” was toxic.→ “Let’s not make this a big deal.”→ “We should all just get along.”
Manipulation or Lack of Context
They only know what the abuser told them and they haven’t seen what happened behind closed doors.→ “They never treated me that way.”→ “You both seem to be struggling.”
Some People Just Like the Drama: When Flying Monkeys Feed Off Conflict
Not all flying monkeys are misled. Some are motivated not by loyalty, fear, or good intentions, but by something far more unsettling: a personal appetite for chaos, gossip, and emotional spectacle. These individuals may not care about truth or resolution. What draws them in is the thrill of being in the middle of something dramatic. They enjoy having insider information, inserting themselves into emotionally charged situations, or playing the role of mediator, not to help, but to feel powerful, significant, or entertained.
They might:
Show up just enough to collect stories, then disappear when accountability is needed.
Escalate conflict behind the scenes by relaying half-truths or selective quotes.
Stoke tension by saying things like, “You should hear what they said about you,” only to say something similar in reverse.
Insert themselves under the guise of “trying to help” but ultimately make the situation worse by fueling emotional confusion and distrust.
Unlike unknowing enablers, these individuals may not even believe the abuser fully, but they enjoy the social positioning they gain by being involved. The drama gives them relevance. The mess gives them a role to play. And the emotional fallout? That’s someone else’s problem.
Sometimes, they pose as neutral—“I’m not taking sides”—while actively giving the abuser more airtime or shaming the survivor for reacting. Other times, they oscillate between both parties, saying just enough to stay in good graces with each side while privately benefiting from the dysfunction.
In family systems, this can be the cousin who always “wants to know what’s going on” but only to stir the pot. In a social circle, it might be the mutual friend who can’t seem to stop inserting themselves and repeating toxic narratives. In online spaces, it may be the commenter or follower who joins just to watch things unravel.
What makes this form of flying monkey particularly dangerous is that these people often lack empathy, boundaries, or accountability. They thrive in the grey area. And if you confront them, they’ll likely deflect:
“I was just trying to help.”
“I didn’t mean to cause problems.”
“I thought you’d want to know.”
But the truth is, their involvement often increases harm, confusion, and instability, especially for a survivor who is already trying to untangle their reality. Recognizing when someone is drawn to your pain, not to support you but to stay entertained, is a painful but necessary step in reclaiming your space. Not everyone who shows interest is safe. Some are just looking for the front row seat to your breakdown. And you don’t owe those people access. Not to your story, your healing, or your life.
How Flying Monkeys Undermine Healing
Survivors often experience flying monkeys as:
Gaslighters: Minimizing or denying the abuse.
Messengers: Bringing emotional chaos through indirect contact.
Saboteurs: Pressuring the survivor to break boundaries.
Enforcers: Intimidating or punishing them for speaking out.
This often results in:
Guilt for walking away
Shame for not being believed
Fear of retaliation or escalation
Feeling trapped in a web of indirect abuse
How Abusers Recruit Others Into the Dynamic
Abusers rarely act alone for long. One of the most insidious parts of abuse by proxy is how easily others can be drawn in, not through force, but through subtle manipulation, social dynamics, and emotional narratives that paint the abuser as the victim. Here’s how that recruitment often works:
The Sympathy Strategy
Abusers often present themselves as misunderstood, victimized, or “just trying to do the right thing.” They may say things like:
“I just want peace, but they won’t stop attacking me.”
“I’m really worried about their mental health.”
“I’ve done everything to support them, but they’re impossible to deal with.”
These statements seem reasonable, especially to outsiders who don’t know the full story. People naturally want to support the person who seems hurt, and the abuser uses this instinct to redirect attention and sympathy toward themselves.
Controlling the Narrative
Abusers often get ahead of the truth. They may reach out to others first to paint a version of events that casts them in a favorable light and you as irrational, unstable, or aggressive. This primes others to distrust or question your perspective before you’ve even had a chance to speak. This is especially effective in shared social circles, workplaces, and family systems, where the abuser may hold more social capital or have a long history of influencing perception.
Triangulation
Triangulation occurs when the abuser uses a third party to manipulate communication or loyalty. Rather than dealing with conflict directly, they:
Tell others what you “really meant” instead of speaking to you.
Say things like, “They don’t want to hear from you” when that’s not true.
Encourage others to speak for you, confront you, or pressure you on their behalf.
This creates division, confusion, and mistrust, fracturing relationships while maintaining their influence.
Exploiting Roles of Authority or Loyalty
Abusers often recruit people in positions of trust, like parents, children, teachers, therapists, clergy, or mutual friends, because their words carry more weight. They might say:
“You’re the only one they’ll listen to.”
“You know how sensitive they are. Can you calm them down?”
“If you really care about both of us, you’ll help fix this.”
This tactic puts others in a false position of responsibility for mediating, fixing, or policing your behavior, often without realizing they’re doing harm.
Why People Fall for the Abuser’s Narrative
Abuse by proxy doesn’t work unless the abuser can convince others to join their side, consciously or not. And while it may be easy to blame those who fall for the manipulation, it’s important to understand why so many people do.
Abusers Often Seem Charming, Calm, or “Reasonable”
Many abusers don’t fit the stereotype of someone angry, out of control, or overtly aggressive. Instead, they may come across as thoughtful, wounded, well-spoken, or even like the voice of reason. This contrast, especially if the survivor is visibly upset, dysregulated, or emotionally expressive, can make others unconsciously trust the abuser more. It feels easier, more comforting, and more socially “neat.”
People Don’t Like Being Uncomfortable
Believing that someone in your circle is abusive can feel threatening to your worldview. Friends, family, and professionals may default to denial because it’s emotionally easier to think:
“It’s just a misunderstanding.”
“Both sides must be doing something wrong.”
“They’re not that bad.”
This kind of emotional shortcut allows them to preserve relationships and avoid facing the full weight of the abuse.
They’ve Heard Only One Side—Repeatedly
Abusers intentionally get ahead of the narrative. They might plant seeds of doubt long before the conflict explodes, painting themselves as the patient one and the survivor as unstable, dramatic, or difficult. By the time the survivor speaks up, others may already be primed to doubt them.
Some People Don’t Understand Boundaries
Well-meaning individuals often conflate forgiveness with reconciliation or believe that keeping the peace is more important than telling the truth. When someone doesn’t understand the function of boundaries, or feels personally threatened by them, they may side with the abuser simply because the survivor’s clarity feels “mean” or “rigid.”
Family and Cultural Systems Often Prioritize Harmony Over Justice
In many families, institutions, and cultures, there's a longstanding emphasis on loyalty, obedience, or “not rocking the boat.” These values can blind people to abuse dynamics and lead them to enable the abuser, sometimes while genuinely believing they’re being fair.
Tactics of Abuse by Proxy
Abuse by proxy is rarely accidental. It’s a calculated strategy designed to extend the abuser’s reach while keeping their hands clean. Because many abusers rely on image management, indirect tactics allow them to maintain a public persona of reasonableness or victimhood while continuing to exert power behind the scenes. Below are some of the most common and insidious tactics used to carry out abuse through others.
1. Character Assassination
At the core of abuse by proxy is the attempt to destroy the victim’s credibility. Abusers carefully craft false narratives to paint the survivor as unstable, vindictive, or untrustworthy. This may happen through private conversations, social media, or even formal settings like court or therapy.
They often tell others:
“They’re emotionally unstable.”
“They twist everything I say.”
“They’re obsessed with blaming me.”
By seeding doubt, the abuser isolates the survivor and turns potential support systems into skeptics.
2. Triangulation
Triangulation is a classic manipulative strategy where the abuser shares different, often conflicting versions of a story with various people to create confusion, division, and control. They may:
Tell one friend that the survivor is abusive and another that they’re just “worried about them.”
Play family members against one another by leaking selective truths or lies.
Pretend to be the mediator between conflicting parties while secretly fueling the tension.
The goal is to keep people from talking directly, because if they did, the contradictions would unravel. Instead, the abuser maintains control of the narrative and positions themselves as the only stable or trustworthy person in the room.
3. Smear Campaigns
This goes beyond casual gossip. A smear campaign is an orchestrated effort to destroy the survivor’s reputation within a community, family, or shared environment. The abuser may enlist friends, relatives, or coworkers to spread their version of events, sometimes even before the survivor has spoken up. Smear campaigns are often preemptive strikes, launched to discredit the victim in case they choose to speak their truth. They’re especially damaging because they turn people against the survivor before the survivor even realizes what’s happening.
4. Legal and Institutional Abuse
Some abusers escalate to systemic tactics, using the very institutions meant to protect people, like the courts, police, and child welfare agencies, as weapons. Examples include:
Calling CPS or police with exaggerated or fabricated concerns to frighten or discredit the survivor.
Filing restraining orders or lawsuits filled with distorted accusations to drain time, money, and energy.
Recruiting professionals, such as therapists, custody evaluators, or religious leaders, by feeding them false or selective information to gain institutional backing.
These forms of abuse are especially difficult to counter, because once an official report is made, the survivor must now defend themselves against a presumption of guilt, often with limited resources and support.
5. Parental Alienation in Abusive Dynamics
In custody or co-parenting situations, abusers may use children as messengers, leverage, or emotional shields. This can look like:
Pressuring children to spy on or report back about the other parent.
Speaking negatively about the survivor in front of the children.
Positioning the abuser as the “fun” or “safe” parent while painting the other as unstable or strict.
It’s important to distinguish between true alienation (a child rejecting a safe parent due to manipulation) and a child distancing themselves from a parent who caused harm. Abusers often weaponize the concept of “parental alienation” to accuse protective parents of wrongdoing, even as they themselves engage in alienating behaviors.
Abuse by proxy is deeply destabilizing because it attacks the survivor from multiple directions, social, legal, emotional, and relational, while obscuring the true source of harm. It allows abusers to maintain control long after direct contact has ended and keeps the survivor trapped in a maze of doubt, defense, and damage control.
The first step toward protection and healing is naming these patterns. When you can recognize them for what they are, you can stop internalizing the blame and start building the boundaries and support that interrupt their power.
Signs You’re Experiencing Abuse by Proxy
Because the abuse isn’t coming directly from the original person, it can take time to recognize it for what it is. You might feel confused, ashamed, or gaslit, but your intuition is telling you something is off. Here are signs to look for that suggest abuse by proxy is occurring:
You’re being regularly questioned or judged by others in your life.
People begin confronting you, offering unsolicited advice, or trying to “mediate” on the abuser’s behalf, even if they weren’t present for the abuse itself.
Your version of events is being denied, minimized, or rewritten by third parties.
You may hear things like:
“They didn’t mean it like that.”
“They told me you’re just being overly emotional.”
“You’re both responsible. Don’t play the victim.”
This not only invalidates your experience but also isolates you further.
Friends, family, or professionals are pressuring you to forgive, reconcile, or “move on.”
They may not say it outright, but they subtly communicate that your boundaries are too much, or that your hurt is inconvenient. Phrases like:
“Don’t hold a grudge.”
“They’ve had a hard life too.”
“Let’s not make this a bigger deal than it is.”… are red flags that your healing is being deprioritized.
The abuser seems eerily untouched while you are the one losing support.
This is often the hardest pill to swallow: people believe them. The abuser may seem calm, composed, and charismatic while you’re seen as emotional, dramatic, or “too intense.” This reversal of perception is one of the defining characteristics of abuse by proxy.
You feel guilt or shame for distancing yourself, even though contact hurts you.
Others may reinforce the idea that your boundaries are cruel, immature, or selfish. You may begin to question whether you’re overreacting, even when every part of you feels unsafe.
Psychological Impact on the Victim
Abuse by proxy doesn’t just harm the victim through action, it erodes their reality, trust, and emotional safety from the inside out. The damage is layered, often cumulative, and deeply disorienting. It creates an environment where the person being abused no longer knows who they can turn to or whether they can even trust their own perception of what’s happening. The psychological toll of this kind of indirect abuse can be devastating and long-lasting.
Betrayal Trauma: When Allies Become Agents of Harm
One of the most gut-wrenching elements of abuse by proxy is the betrayal. When someone you once trusted, whether it’s a friend, family member, professional, or even your own child, becomes a tool in the abuser’s strategy, the emotional wound runs deep.
This is known as betrayal trauma: the rupture that happens when someone who was supposed to be safe becomes unsafe. Survivors of abuse by proxy often say that while the abuser’s actions were painful, it was the people who turned on them, those they thought they could count on, that caused the most lasting damage. It can shake a survivor’s sense of safety in all relationships, even long after the abuse ends.
Hypervigilance and Mistrust
Because abuse by proxy often involves manipulation behind the scenes, survivors are left in a constant state of hypervigilance. Who knows what? Who believes what? Who might turn on me next?
This ongoing emotional surveillance isn’t paranoia, it’s a trauma response to real experiences of being blindsided, betrayed, and publicly undermined. Over time, it can lead to extreme mistrust, not only of others but also of oneself. The survivor may question their instincts, their boundaries, and their worth—never sure what’s safe or who’s safe.
Isolation from Support Systems
One of the abuser’s goals in using others is to strip the survivor of community, support, and credibility. When others buy into the abuser’s version of the story, the victim is pushed further and further into isolation. Longstanding friendships may end. Family members may pull away. Professionals may become biased. Even spaces that once felt neutral or safe, like a workplace, church, or social circle, may now feel hostile or unsafe.
This isolation serves the abuser’s control. Without witnesses, without advocates, the survivor has fewer options for protection, validation, or escape. And emotionally, this isolation reinforces the distorted message that maybe the abuser is right about you.
Confusion and Gaslighting by Proxy
One of the most damaging aspects of abuse by proxy is that it extends gaslighting through multiple voices. When several people begin repeating the abuser’s narrative, it becomes harder for the victim to hold onto their version of events.
They might begin to ask:
Am I the problem?
Was it really that bad?
Maybe I am overreacting…
Even if the survivor previously felt confident in their boundaries or memories, repeated invalidation, especially by people they trusted, can create deep cognitive dissonance. The survivor feels pulled between their inner truth and the external chorus telling them they’re wrong, difficult, or delusional.
Re-traumatization Through Forced Defense
Abuse by proxy often puts survivors in a position where they are constantly defending themselves. Whether it’s in court, in group chats, in therapy, or in family discussions, the victim is repeatedly put on trial, expected to explain, justify, or prove their reality to people who may have already decided against them.
This cycle is re-traumatizing. It keeps the survivor emotionally tethered to the abuser and trapped in a loop of hypervigilance, exhaustion, and self-doubt. Every attempt to clarify their position may feel like a losing battle, especially when the audience is unwilling or unable to see the manipulation at play.
The cumulative psychological impact of abuse by proxy is enormous. It doesn’t just wound the survivor; it shapes how they relate to themselves, others, and the world around them. The betrayal, confusion, and isolation become internalized, and the survivor may struggle with complex trauma symptoms long after the immediate abuse ends.
But naming this form of harm is powerful. When you can say, “What I’m experiencing is real, and it’s a pattern,” you start reclaiming the truth from the fog of manipulation. And from that truth, healing becomes possible.
Why Abuse by Proxy Is So Effective (and Dangerous)
Abuse by proxy operates in the shadows of direct confrontation, making it an especially insidious and powerful form of manipulation. Its effectiveness comes from how it warps perceptions, social dynamics, and emotional bonds, while maintaining a cloak of innocence for the abuser. Unfortunately, these very qualities also make it incredibly dangerous for the victim, who faces harm that is difficult to see, prove, or escape.
The Abuser Appears Innocent
One of the most confusing aspects for the survivor and those around them is that the abuser rarely appears overtly hostile. Instead, they maintain a carefully cultivated image of reasonableness, victimhood, or even kindness. When the survivor calls out harmful behavior, others may dismiss their concerns as paranoia or emotional overreaction.
This gaslighting effect is deliberate. By positioning themselves as the calm, rational party, abusers cast the survivor as “dramatic,” “too sensitive,” or “unstable.” This inversion of roles not only protects the abuser’s reputation but also isolates the victim, who may begin doubting their own experiences.
Social Credibility Shifts Dramatically
Abuse by proxy relies heavily on controlling the narrative. The abuser doesn’t just fight the survivor, they fight for public opinion. By recruiting others to spread their version of events, abusers shift social credibility away from the victim and toward themselves.
This dynamic often plays out in families, workplaces, schools, and communities where reputation is everything. Once the abuser’s story takes hold, sympathy flows their way, while the survivor faces skepticism, judgment, or outright hostility. This social displacement deepens the survivor’s isolation and vulnerability.
Exploiting the Victim’s Need for Connection
Humans are wired for connection and belonging, and survivors often turn to their communities for support and validation. Abuse by proxy weaponizes this natural need by turning the survivor’s social network into a battleground. When friends, family, colleagues, or institutions become unwitting or willing participants in the abuser’s tactics, the survivor experiences a profound betrayal. What was once a source of comfort becomes a tool of control, making it harder to find safe refuge or build resilience.
Harder to Identify and Prove
Unlike direct abuse, abuse by proxy is subtle and diffuse. There may be no single incident to point to, only patterns of gossip, exclusion, conflicting stories, or administrative actions like false reports or unwarranted legal filings. Because the harm is often carried out through others who may genuinely believe they are doing the right thing, or at least don’t see themselves as abusive, the lines between truth and manipulation blur. This makes it difficult for survivors to gather evidence or convince others that abuse is occurring.
Legally and socially, abuse by proxy often falls into a gray area. Systems designed to respond to clear-cut abuse can overlook or minimize these indirect tactics, leaving survivors with few formal avenues for protection.
In sum, abuse by proxy is effective because it hides in plain sight, turning perception, community, and systems against the victim, all while shielding the abuser from accountability. Recognizing this hidden form of harm is crucial for survivors to reclaim their voice, protect their boundaries, and seek support that truly sees and believes them.
How to Recognize Abuse by Proxy in Your Life
Abuse by proxy is a form of indirect abuse where the abuser manipulates others—friends, family members, institutions—to carry out their control, punish the victim, or maintain access. It’s subtle, confusing, and often deeply disorienting for the victim. Here’s how it commonly shows up:
1. You’re Constantly Defending Yourself to People Who Once Supported You
One of the earliest and most emotionally exhausting signs of abuse by proxy is the slow erosion of your support system. People who once had your back now question your motives, challenge your memories, or suggest that you’re “taking things too personally.” You may find yourself stuck in repetitive explanations:
“That’s not what happened.”
“I’ve already told you the full story.”
“Why do I have to keep proving myself?”
What’s happening behind the scenes is triangulation. The abuser may be feeding these people selective or misleading information. Because they weren’t there, and they trust the abuser, they begin seeing you through a distorted lens. This forces you into a position of constantly trying to prove your experience is valid when your truth should be enough.
Emotional toll: Exhaustion, self-doubt, a growing fear of vulnerability, and eventual emotional withdrawal from people you once trusted.
2. Mutual Friends Suddenly Pull Away or Begin Questioning Your Mental Health
This is a classic weapon of the smear campaign: undermining your credibility by suggesting you’re “unstable” or “unwell.” Often, the people being used as messengers aren’t malicious, they’re manipulated. They may genuinely believe the abuser is concerned, not controlling.
You might hear things like:
“They’re worried about you.”
“I think you’ve been acting differently lately.”
“Are you sure you’re not reading too much into things?”
What makes this so painful is that the concern is often delivered in a way that mimics care but is rooted in mistrust and control. These interactions can leave you feeling patronized, infantilized, or pathologized, even though you know your reactions are rooted in real harm.
Emotional toll: Isolation, confusion, internalized shame, and loss of relationships that once felt safe.
3. People Begin Repeating the Abuser’s Language or Narrative
It’s jarring when someone close to you starts using phrases or arguments that you’ve only ever heard from your abuser. It might be subtle (“you’re being too sensitive”), or more direct (“you’re making a big deal out of nothing”). Either way, it creates the unsettling sense that the abuse is now echoing through your community.
This mirroring happens because the abuser strategically scripts the narrative in their favor. They may present themselves as the victim, as “worried,” or as trying to “keep things peaceful.” When others adopt that language, they unknowingly amplify the abuser’s control by reinforcing the idea that you are the problem.
Emotional toll: Emotional dissonance, identity confusion, and the devastating sense that you’re being erased by a version of yourself that isn’t true.
4. You Experience Sudden Loss of Community, Resources, or Credibility
In abuse by proxy, your reputation becomes the battleground. Without warning, you might be disinvited from events, removed from group chats, or ignored in shared spaces. People may go quiet when you enter a room. You might notice job opportunities fading or co-parents shifting their tone in official documents.
This isn’t a coincidence; it’s a coordinated strategy to isolate and disempower you. If the abuser can control the narrative and cut off your access to support, you become easier to manipulate and less likely to fight back.
Emotional toll: Grief, anxiety, loneliness, and sometimes a deep fear of being “erased” from your own life story.
5. You’re Being Monitored, Questioned, or Punished by People Outside the Direct Relationship
Abuse by proxy extends beyond emotional or social dynamics; it can include legal, parental, institutional, and even therapeutic systems. You may notice:
People asking you for updates that seem oddly specific to private issues.
Professionals (teachers, therapists, police, mediators) who seem to have an unfavorable opinion of you without hearing your side.
Requests, criticisms, or accusations being delivered through others.
The abuser might also use shared children, mutual friends, or court systems to send threatening messages, enforce compliance, or “keep tabs” on your choices. You’re no longer just dealing with one person; you’re dealing with an entire web of control.
Emotional toll: Hypervigilance, exhaustion, a sense that “no place is safe,” and a struggle to set boundaries because they are constantly being bypassed.
How to Begin Reclaiming Clarity
Ask: “Whose voice am I hearing when I doubt myself?”
Track: When did this person start treating you differently? Who do they still talk to?
Anchor: Name your truth privately before trying to defend it publicly.
Protect: Start with boundaries, limit oversharing, and build support with people who show you through behavior, not just words, that they are trustworthy.
How to Respond and Protect Yourself
Abuse by proxy can be one of the most disorienting forms of psychological harm. It erodes your support systems, manipulates public perception, and leaves you defending yourself against distortions rather than recovering from the original harm. The most powerful thing you can do is stop focusing on trying to change the people being used against you and start focusing on protecting your inner and outer world.
1. Set Firm Boundaries
When others act as go-betweens by delivering messages, demanding explanations, or pressuring you to “just talk it out,” you have the right to draw a line.
Limit contact with those who persist in bringing the abuser’s words or influence into your space.
Be clear and unwavering:→ “I’m not discussing this with you.”→ “This topic is closed.”→ “That’s not a safe conversation for me.”
These are not acts of rudeness. They are acts of survival. Boundaries protect your energy, your clarity, and your healing.
2. Don’t Try to Convince Flying Monkeys
One of the hardest truths to accept is that you can’t wake up someone who’s committed to misunderstanding you, especially if they’re emotionally invested in the abuser’s version of events.
Flying monkeys often want to believe the abuser because it protects their worldview, their relationships, or their comfort.
Trying to “prove” your innocence often plays right into the manipulation dynamic. It often traps you in the abuser’s game, one where your truth becomes a debate and your energy is spent performing credibility instead of protecting your peace. It can make you look reactive while they maintain control, shifting the spotlight off their harm and onto your defensiveness.
Instead of defending yourself endlessly, reclaim your energy. Walk away from debates that require you to perform your pain for validation.
3. Document Everything
Abuse by proxy often includes third-party intimidation, false allegations, or weaponization of systems like the courts, CPS, or institutions.
Keep a secure, time-stamped log of:
Threatening messages (even if sent through others)
Recordings or screenshots of smear campaigns
Legal documents, therapy letters, emails, or reports
If safe, consider using secure apps or encrypted backups to store documentation. Documentation helps validate your experience to yourself, to your therapist, and if needed, to legal authorities.
4. Build a Trusted Support Circle
One of the most painful parts of proxy abuse is the loss of support. But it also reveals who truly sees you.
Identify who listens without judgment.
Prioritize people who do not pressure you to explain, reconcile, or “take the high road.”
You may have to build new connections such as therapists, support groups, or online spaces, but you deserve relationships that aren’t infiltrated by manipulation.
5. Consider Therapy or Advocacy Support
A trauma-informed therapist can be a lifeline when reality starts to feel distorted. They can:
Help you untangle internalized guilt, gaslighting, and confusion
Strategize how to navigate flying monkeys, legal systems, or unsafe co-parenting dynamics
Reaffirm your right to boundaries without shame
You may also consider:
Survivor support groups
Legal advocates familiar with coercive control
Somatic or body-based practitioners to rebuild safety in your nervous system
How to Protect Yourself When Others Have Been Weaponized
The most important mental shift is this: Stop trying to reform them. Start trying to reclaim you.
Stop Explaining to Those Committed to Misunderstanding You
It’s natural to want to tell your side. To show the screenshots. To walk people through what really happened. But those who are emotionally tied to the abuser rarely want truth, they want comfort, or confirmation bias.
Say instead:
“I’m no longer available for conversations that question my reality.”
“If you’re neutral in this, you’re siding with harm.”
“I don’t owe more clarity to people who didn’t offer me safety.”
You are allowed to walk away from people who won’t hear you.
Set Boundaries Without Needing Permission
You don’t need agreement to protect yourself. You don’t have to wait for consensus, or for people to validate your pain before you act.
Boundaries you can set without approval:
Limiting or cutting contact
Refusing joint therapy or mediation that reopens wounds
Declining group events where your abuser or their proxies will be
Protecting your children from being used as messengers
Your right to peace is not up for negotiation.
Identify Your Allies (And Accept When Someone Isn’t One)
True allies:
Believe your lived experience without playing devil’s advocate
Hold your pain with care, not dismissal
Don’t require you to perform forgiveness to remain close
If someone pressures you to “let it go,” “meet them halfway,” or “stop being dramatic,” they are not safe right now. That doesn’t mean they’re evil but it does mean you don’t owe them your vulnerability.
Rebuild Trust With Yourself
One of the deepest injuries of proxy abuse is self-doubt. You start to wonder: “Maybe I was the problem.” “Maybe they’re right about me.” “Maybe I am too sensitive.”
To rebuild trust with yourself:
Keep a private journal of what really happened, not what others say happened
Notice when your body tenses around certain people or conversations
Remind yourself:→ “Just because others don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not real.”→ “My need for safety is not up for debate.”→ “I don’t have to make it make sense to them. I just have to make it stop for me.”
Focus on Energy Conservation, Not Convincing
Every ounce of energy spent trying to convince someone of your truth is energy stolen from your healing.
Instead of:
Defending yourself to every doubter
Reacting to every accusation
Pleading for others to “understand”
Re-channel that energy into:
Your emotional recovery
Rebuilding what was lost
Creating safety for your future
You don’t need to clear your name. You need to stay rooted in what you know is true.
The Cultural Blind Spot
Abuse by proxy doesn’t just rely on personal relationships, it thrives in a culture that doesn’t know how to recognize it. Many of the people who become flying monkeys or enablers aren’t inherently malicious. They are shaped by collective blind spots, social pressures, and emotional shortcuts that favor easy narratives over uncomfortable truths.
Why People Get Recruited So Easily
Societal Discomfort with Complexity
Our culture prefers stories with clear villains and heroes.
When someone seems kind, charismatic, or competent in public, it becomes harder for others to believe they could be manipulative in private.
This discomfort with duality makes people cling to simplified roles: one person must be the problem, the other the victim.
Cultural Narratives That Protect Power
In patriarchal, hierarchical, or religious systems, power is often assumed to equal credibility.
Gender dynamics play a role: women are frequently labeled “emotional” or “unstable,” while men are given the benefit of the doubt.
Parents, professionals, or community leaders are often protected by roles that discourage questioning them, even when there’s a pattern of harm.
The Desire for Clarity and Loyalty
People want to feel secure by taking sides quickly—“Tell me who’s right so I can get behind them.”
This rush to align with the most socially acceptable or emotionally persuasive party often benefits the abuser.
Many people confuse neutrality with fairness, when in reality, staying neutral in the face of abuse reinforces the abuse.
Fear of Being Excluded
In group settings, such as family, faith communities, and social circles, disagreeing with the dominant narrative risks exile.
It’s safer for some to believe the abuser’s version than to question their own standing in the group.
The Need for Public Education and Cultural Change
Greater Awareness of Indirect Abuse
Most people associate abuse only with physical violence or overt cruelty.
Emotional, psychological, and institutional abuse, especially when carried out through proxies, remains invisible and misunderstood.
We need education that highlights how triangulation, smear campaigns, and strategic manipulation cause real harm, even without bruises.
Accountability in Social and Professional Spaces
Workplaces, schools, and even therapeutic spaces can be hijacked by abusers who know how to manipulate systems.
It’s critical for organizations to learn how not to become pawns in private abuse dynamics.
This includes training in:
Trauma-informed conflict resolution
Recognizing patterns of coercive control
Maintaining appropriate boundaries around “he said/she said” disputes
Creating a Culture That Doesn’t Reward Manipulation
Gossip, triangulation, and scapegoating should not be normalized as social currency.
Communities must develop a shared ethic around not taking sides based on charisma or hearsay, and instead ask:
“Whose voice is missing from this conversation?”
“Who benefits if I believe this version of events?”
“Am I being asked to carry a message that isn’t mine?”
Abuse by proxy is not just a personal problem, it’s a cultural vulnerability. The more we normalize nuance, the harder it becomes for manipulators to hide behind charm, roles, or allies.
Reclaiming Your Reality
Abuse by proxy compounds the trauma by stealing more than just your safety, it steals your truth and sense of reality. When those you once trusted are recruited into the abuser’s web, it deepens feelings of betrayal, confusion, and isolation. But healing is possible, and it begins with reclaiming your narrative. Trusting your own instincts and lived experience is a powerful act of resistance against manipulation and gaslighting.
The more you understand and recognize these tactics, the less control they hold over your life. You do not have to carry the burden of others’ misplaced loyalty or distortion. It’s okay, and necessary, to let go of relationships that have been weaponized against you. Protecting your peace is not selfish; it is an essential step toward restoring your wellbeing and rebuilding a life rooted in truth and safety.
Remember: your story is valid, your feelings are real, and your journey toward healing is worthy of support and compassion.
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